Tuesday, 20 April 2010

What If's?

I seem to be on one of my what now seem to be weekly downers. I thought that writing out my problems would help... I dunno. Thankfully I don’t have many readers lol

Every day I wake up with the best of intentions - to crack on, design and make and plot making a name for myself. I see things and think 'I could do that' and despair that it’s not me and think how lucky they are to have made it. It's not the end of the world though because today is the day i'm going to be become them... until I hear the first whinge or splutter or 'have I got any clean boxers' echoing in my ear. I come back down to reality with a THUMP and realise that it will never be me. How silly am I to think I could be anything other than a housewife? Of course I could sell the odd thing here and there but its not the same (its not a dig but I wanted to be more) Then I realise why would any of the cool people out there take a second glance at a youngish mother of two with a glaringly obvious chocolate obsession and who has the personality of wet dish cloth and a massive chip on her shoulder?

My mind then moves on to the idea that I had my chance and I chose motherhood, a worthy job but not the same as filling your mind with colour and ideas and culture. Who am I to be so greedy when I have two gorgeous, loving children and a partner that loves me, for who I am and doesn’t run because of that. If only he could understand the churning in my belly to succeed, the sadness I feel everyday. Alas his idea of art starts and ends with the go faster strips he wishes he could but on his car.

If only I had the guts to do something about it, I probably wont have the guts to publish this post. If I had someone, who wasn’t my mum and dad telling me how great I am just to tell me if this heartbreak and 'what ifs' are worth it. I can take that... I can’t take this...

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